Rather than beginning the year with a long list of good-intentioned resolutions that would quickly give way to the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I began 2013 focusing on a single word. Little did I know how much this word would shape my life over the coming months. The word I chose for 2013 is "Trust."
My birthing history
#1: Dallin was born at 33 weeks via emergency c-section. He was early and breech and no matter what awful medication they pumped in me, they couldn't stop him. Ready or not, he was coming.
#2: Sierra was born 22 months later with a medicated (IVs and epidural) VBAC. At the time I didn't realize that VBACs are a controversial topic in the birthing/medical world. I figured that I didn't really even get a chance for a normal birth with Dallin. My body had done what it was supposed to, he just happened to be turned the wrong way, so why couldn't I have a normal birth with Sierra?
#3: Two years later Grant was born, another medicated VBAC. We were living in California when he was born and my OB told me the only reason she was letting me have a VBAC was because I had already had one successful VBAC.
#4: Next came Trent. We had moved again and were living in Texas during his pregnancy and birth. My OB consented to another VBAC (again, only because I already had 2 successful VBACs). About two weeks before Trent was born, I had a Dr.'s appointment. My doctor told me that one of the clinic's patients had experienced uterine rupture while attempting a VBAC and she and the other doctors were adopting a no VBAC policy. I was stunned, but what was I going to do? It was a scary story! So, I was scheduled for a c-section. I cried and cried in the days leading up to surgery. What if my baby wasn't ready to come? All of my others had been early (7 weeks, 3 weeks, and 2 1/2 weeks early), but they had come on their own time-- when they were ready and my body was ready. Even my little preemie Dallin was fine, just small. I prayed that I would find peace and that my baby would be ready when the day of the surgery came. My prayers were answered. I was dilated to 4 cm during my pre-op the day before his birth and was having good contractions 5 minutes apart when we walked in for my scheduled c-section the next morning.
#5: We were living in Utah again when we found out we were expecting Evan, and didn't question the Dr. when he said I'd have to have another c-section. Evan was healthy when he was born and although I technically carried him longer than any of our others, Scott and I both felt like he was born before he was really ready to be here.
Our Birthing Decision
The first trimester of this pregnancy went by in a blur. As a mommy of five I found little time to spend really thinking about and bonding with the sweet little peanut growing inside of me-- and that bothered me. I wanted to feel more connected. I wanted to savor this precious experience of motherhood. So, my inner-nerd took over and I began browsing the library website for books on pregnancy. I wanted something more than the ridiculous advice in "What to Expect When You're Expecting". After reading the synopsis and reader comments on many books, I selected a handful that interested me and added them to my queue. The first book I began reading was Pam England and Rob Horowitz's "Birthing from Within". Scott thought it was pretty funny that I was reading pregnancy books when expecting my 6th child ("Really? You haven't figured it out yet?"), but I found it refreshing to have my feelings on pregnancy and birth validated-- I'm not sick! I'm pregnant! This is a normal, wonderful, happy, peaceful and spiritual experience!
I began to hunger after more birth related material. April was "Cesarean Awareness Month" and I came across article after article online discussing the risks and benefits of cesarean births and VBACs (vaginal birth after cesarean). I found that in July of 2010 the ACOG had altered their guidelines, saying that a vaginal birth after 2 previous c-sections is a good option for those who met certain criteria. I read the criteria and was surprised to find that I had been the perfect VBA2C candidate. Evan had been born a year after the guidelines had changed and yet my doctor told me that because I had 2 previous c-sections I HAD TO have another. .. so I did. Did my Dr. not know? Did he just not care? From there I began to read what I could find about vaginal births after THREE c-sections. If ever there was a good VBA3C candidate I was it!
My new interest in VBACs somewhat surprised me. I've always been a very "Yes, ma'am" kind of person. When a Dr. or other authority figure tells me something, I figure they must know best and I quickly comply. But this was different. The more I learned and studied for myself, the more empowered I felt. There was no one around telling me what to think, or feel, or do. This was all me. I began to have dreams about laboring and delivering peacefully. I even found myself wondering if my doctor would allow me to NOT schedule a c-section date, but wait until my body went into labor to have the c-section. Or maybe I'd be far enough along in the labor process that they would just let me have a normal vaginal birth. After thinking about all of this for some time, I reviewed my findings and feelings with Scott and asked him what he thought about having a VBA3C. He told me that it was my body and that he would support the decision I made. I asked him for a blessing and went to the temple the following morning. It all felt SO RIGHT. From there the journey really began.
I was over halfway through my pregnancy and my current Dr. wouldn't support a VBA3C. He pretty much blew me off when I even tried to discuss it at an appointment and seemed a little offended that I would even research such a thing. Would I be able to find a provider who would accept me? I decided it was worth a try. If I didn't at least try to find a new doctor, I'd always wonder "What if. . .". I really feel like we were guided every step of this journey. Every decision made along the way, every little piece of the puzzle seemed to fall perfectly in order as I learned to trust--- TRUST in God, TRUST in myself, TRUST in the knowledge I was gaining as I studied, TRUST in Scott, TRUST in my care providers and birth support team. I ended up finding the most wonderful Dr. I could have asked for. Dr. Parker not only supported my decision for a VBA3C, but he really took time to talk WITH (not to) me. He showed me for the first time how individualized prenatal care really should be.
So, at 25 weeks pregnant with our 6th child, we began for the first time to really prepare for the actual BIRTH of a child. There was SO MUCH MORE than organizing a nursery, washing baby clothes and packing hospital bags. It felt like a game of odds at this point and we were trying to do all that we could to make our "risky" VBA3C decision work in our favor. That meant no epidural and as few other interventions as possible to avoid the intervention spiral leading to another c-section. We added a fantastic doula to our birth team and began the Hypnobabies Home Study Course. There was also quite a list of books read, documentaries watched, articles reviewed online, scriptures studied, Priesthood blessings given, weekly trips to the temple, daily exercises, visualizations, Daddy-Doula class training, optimal fetal positioning exercises, peaceful music playing, deep breathing, etc. . . over the next few months all in preparation for what I knew would be an incredibly spiritual experience. The closer we got to our due date, the more peaceful both Scott and I felt that this was the right decision for us.
Birth Story
Two weeks until due date, Dr. Parker went on vacation. I was 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced with a very soft cervix when he left for the week. I was determined NOT to have the baby without Dr. Parker. We already knew that upon arrival to the hospital we would have to deny medical advice/treatment and sign waivers absolving the hospital from responsibility if any complications should arise during the VBAC process because I have had 3 previous cesareans and hospital policy calls for another c-section. Dr. Parker was our support and go-to man who would stand in front of the board to defend our VBA3C. His partners were somewhat on board, but no guarantee. During that week, I felt great. Very few Braxton Hicks, and I had a lot of energy still. This baby was going to wait! :)
On August 1st (the day Dr. Parker was to arrive home from vacation), Scott and I went to the temple one last time together before the baby came. It was extremely busy! We had to wait 2 hours just to get into a session! While the wait was long, I enjoyed the time sitting in the chapel thinking of our sweet baby who would soon join our family. I felt very much at peace with our birthing decisions and the preparation we put into it. We were ready.
We got home a little after 10:30 pm and talked briefly to my Mom who was staying with us until the baby came. "I told Evan that you'd see him in the morning, so don't have the baby tonight or he won't forgive me." Mom said with a smile as she headed off to bed.
I was exhausted. We went to sleep around 11pm. I woke up a little after 1 am feeling pressure in my back. Hmmm. . . I went to the bathroom and climbed back in bed. Then, I heard Evan call out for me. I found him walking down the hall to our bedroom dragging his blanket on the floor. I picked him up and stood at the top of the stairs for a little while looking at the Provo Temple through the window before walking downstairs and setting him on the couch. I was so tired, I wanted to sleep too! I tucked him in on one corner of the couch and I settled into the other corner and quickly fell asleep. I'm not sure how long after that, but I woke suddenly again with strong pressure in my back. I rolled off the couch onto my hands and knees and swayed my hips back and forth saying "peace" to myself. After I ran upstairs to use the bathroom a couple times, Evan gave up on me and put himself back to bed. I went to my bedroom and got my MP3 player and began listening to my Birthing Day Affirmations. I needed a distraction. I kept thinking to myself, I have an appointment with Dr. Parker at 11:30, if I can just make it until then. .. (I'm not sure my rationale behind that. What difference did it make?). After a couple more trips to the bathroom (by now my bowels were completely empty) and a few more pressure waves, I went back to bed.
By now it was about 3am. The bed just seemed to make the pressure in my back worse, so when the next pressure wave came I again rolled onto my hands and knees swaying my hips and "ahhhhing". I climbed back in bed, but before I knew it, I was up again, leaning over the bed swaying my hips. That is when Scott woke up. I saw him look at the clock and then at me-- trying to process what was going on. When the next pressure wave hit, he was up and out of bed, getting dressed. I could feel the intensity of the pressure waves increasing and it seemed that they were getting closer, but were they regular? I needed something more than just some affirmations, so I began listening to my "First Stage" track. Which really helped me turn the focus to the inside.
At about 4:30 am, my legs were shaking with each pressure wave. Scott brought me a Tupperware container to vomit in as he applied counter pressure to my back. He then handed me the phone and said, "It's time to call Natalie." (Natalie is our doula). I dialed and while it was ringing began to have another pressure wave that required my full attention, so I tossed the phone to Scott and he made arrangements for Natalie to meet us at our house and then we'd drive over to the hospital. Scott handed me some clothes and helped me get dressed. I slipped on the birth bracelet Sierra and I had made together with "blessing beads" from family and friends. I smiled to myself "Let's go have a baby!"
When Natalie arrived I was sitting on my birthing ball in the living room listening to a Hypnobabies track while Scott brought our bags downstairs and told my mom that we were heading to the hospital. We decided that since we had a 20 minute drive to American Fork Hospital, we'd better leave sooner than later. So, we headed out the door. On our way to the car I had another pressure wave. Luckily, most people in our neighborhood aren't up at 5:30 am so they didn't see me drop into squat position in our front yard as Scott and Natalie supported me and breathed with me.
I kept my headphones on during the drive to the hospital. Scott was great. With each pressure wave he'd put his had on my shoulder and say "Relax, Melissa. ..." we had practiced this cue many times and guess what? It actually worked! Feeling his touch and his voice really did help me to relax. It was one of my favorite things. At the hospital we parked and as soon as I got out of the car another pressure wave hit. Holding on to the front seat of the car, I squatted and breathed. We made it half way to the hospital entrance when I had another pressure wave. Again I squatted as Natalie applied counter pressure. I remember smiling and laughing after this one-- how awkward this must look! I was wearing a skirt too, so I was pretty much mooning anyone around. Oh well. All inhibition was out the window at that point. :) Someone brought out a wheel chair and helped us in.
Here's the part that I had worried about the most-- the reaction of the hospital staff when we arrived and told them our intentions of having a VBA3C. Scott was my hero at this point. He and Natalie talked with the staff and nurses as we checked in so I could remain focused. Natalie applied pressure through the back of the wheelchair while we waited and were then taken to triage for an initial exam. I was off in "Laborland" somewhere-- very focused on what was going on inside me, yet still aware of what was happening around me as well. I changed into the lovely hospital gown in between pressure waves and climbed onto the bed. After the internal exam, the nurse announced that I was 7cm dilated and had a bulging bag of water. "We're having a baby!" I excitedly announced! That was the first of many odd comments I would make over the next couple hours.
From there they took us to our birthing room. It was a little after 6am now. Here's where I truly saw my prayers for a miracle happen. The nurses were AMAZING. Our nurse, Danielle, did not force us to do anything we didn't want to! Although she later admitted that she thought I was crazy for wanting to have a natural VBA3C. Months before we were told that I would have to have an IV and epidural placed (but not dosed) as standard VBAC procedure upon arrival the hospital so we were planning on that. BUT instead The nurse placed a Hep-lock, didn't even mention an epidural or pain meds or even ask my "pain level" AND my nurse brought me ice water that I was able to sip on. We never even ended up giving her our "birth plan-- but got more than we had hoped for! We also never ended up signing the hospital waivers. After getting us all set up, Danielle left and said she'd come back in a half hour to check on us. I think she was glad to see that we had brought a doula with us. :) Scott helped me to the bathroom a couple times and I sat on my birth ball and relaxed and breathed when pressure waves came. Scott took a towel and covered the clock in the birthing room. Time didn't matter. It would only be a distraction.
Dr. Parker came in to check on us a little later, BOY was I happy to see him! He had just gotten back from vacation the night before. He asked if I wanted my water broken and I said I'd rather wait and use that as a tactic if it became necessary (if labor slows, if baby is in distress. . .). He said OK, and then left us for a time. The pressure waves seemed to be slowing a bit by this point, although still intense in my back. I was actually thankful for the slowing, as it gave me a chance to relax a bit and become more comfortable with the idea of having a baby VERY soon.
Not much later, Dr. Parker and nurse Danielle came in. They said that baby's heart rate had dropped significantly and they were concerned. It was probably just that the monitor got bumped while I was in the bathroom and that the baby's monitor began picking up my heart rate instead, but they didn't want to take any chances. He told us that a few weeks prior they had experienced a uterine rupture with a VBA2C patient and they wanted to be safe. I took my headphones off and climbed up on the bed and Dr. Parker attached an internal fetal monitor to baby's head. He thought it was time to break my water. I agreed. That was around 7:00 am. And then things got intense. . .
Because I was experiencing so much pressure in my back, I couldn't imagine laying on my back. Even my side was uncomfortable. Danielle and Natalie helped transform the bed to make it more comfortable for kneeling/squatting. I turned around, on hands and knees facing the head of the bed which had been raised up. With pillows in front of me, I'd lean forward and rest in between pressure waves-- which seemed to be right on top of each other. The vomiting increased and Scott held my "barf bag" as Natalie put a cool rag with peppermint essential oil on it on my neck. It was fantastic! The nausea went away and the rag helped cool my body that was now becoming hot and sweaty. During the pressure waves I would sit up and kneel/squat while Natalie applied counter pressure and rubbed my back and Scott held me in his arms. I seriously couldn't get close enough to Scott. I'd wrap my arms around his arm and shoulder and bury my head into his shoulder and just breathe him in while he whispered to me "Relax. . . peace. .. deeper and deeper. .. relax. . ." I NEEDED his support and strength like I never have before. My eyes were closed through all of this and I was completely unaware of anything else at that point in time. All that I knew was that Scott was on my right and Natalie was on my left supporting me through this experience. The scripture from D&C 84:88 kept running through my head-- "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."
I felt so strongly the strength of those surrounding me as I began to breath my baby down, "Ahhhhhhh. . . Ahhhhhh. . .." Suddenly, my "ahhhhs" changed into a even deeper "uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh" I felt my baby bearing down and I announced "I feel like I need to poop!" I knew exactly what was happening here, I just couldn't think of another way to describe what was going on (that's how Ina May described it in her book). Natalie reassured me, "That's your baby! Melissa, relax, and let her come. .." A little later I felt another overpowering sensation and I announced "I feel a burning!" Again, I knew exactly what was going on, I just couldn't think of another way to describe it (the "ring of fire" as Ina May called it). Natalie again reassured, You're so close! Just relax and let your baby come. .."
We were getting close, I could feel my baby moving down SO LOW. My first reaction was to tense up fight the overwhelming sensation. That's when Natalie leaned forward and whispered, "Melissa, the veil is so thin right now. . . you just climb that mountain and go get your baby girl." A rush of peace washed over me and a huge smile came across my face. She was right. It was time to bring Violet into this world. I hugged Scott's shoulder as I breathed through the next pressure wave. I could feel her head coming between my legs. Dr. Parker told me that after the next pressure wave he needed me to lie down to deliver the baby. I laid on my side, which was really uncomfortable, so they raised the head of the bed up so I was in a sitting-squat position and in a couple more pressure waves, Violet Grace was gently born at 7:41 am. The intensity was amazing! But I don't think I ever really hurt. As she was coming out I did embarrassingly exclaim "Aye Chihuahua!" As I couldn't think of another way to express the overwhelming (but in a good way!) sensation.
We requested delayed cord clamping, so Violet rested on my belly as I looked at Scott in amazement. "We did it! She's here! And everything was perfect." It seemed so surreal! Scott cut the cord when it stopped pulsing. When it came time for the delivery of the placenta, Natalie whispered in my ear a positive affirmation to release the placenta from my body and as soon as I repeated it to myself a couple times, I actually felt it detach inside of me and deliver. One amazing thing about the birth is that there was NO episiotomy! I had episiotomies with both of my other vaginal births -- and Violet was significantly bigger than both! I think it all goes back to allowing my body to birth naturally, breath the baby down and push when I was ready. AND I could feel what was going on the entire time because of NO MEDS!.
